Category Archives: Humor

Mormon-Alien-Masonic conspiracy!

Belief systems, Humor, Main

No, this is not the next posting on LDS exobiology. Through my usual morning blog-browsing, I ran across this site that characterizes the three major groups of aliens that have contact with Earth, then goes on to note that the Mormons are in cahoots with the aliens!  A sample:

Now, before relating the following account, let me say something about the Mormon Church system, within which this writer was raised… This church was created by a man named Joseph Smith, however the REAL power behind its growth was John C. Bennett, who was apparently one of many Scottish Rite agents assigned to infiltrate the various religious movements of the world. If one does a thorough study of the Masonic connections to major denominations they may discover some surprises (for instance Norman Vincent Peale was a 33rd degree mason, as were the founders of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, Theosophy, Scientology, Unitarianism, and so on).

The Scottish Rite, incidentally, was created by Jesuits and Masons at the Parisian college of Clermont. Dr. John Coleman states that 13 Maltese Jesuits, 13 Wicca Masons and 13 Black Nobility members make up the 39 members of the Bildeberger group, ultimately controlled by the BAVARIAN Illuminati through the Scottish Rite.

The Master Mason John C. Bennett convinced Smith to sell out to the Masonic lodge (Scottish Rite) and Bennett worked to establish an “Order of the Illuminati” within Mormonism, according to Klaus Hansen’s book “QUEST FOR EMPIRE”. Mormonism became a hybrid religion between Christianity (worship of the “Lamb”) and gnostic Scottish Rite Masonry (worship of the “Serpent”).

Even today the Mormon masses in Utah believe that they are “Christians”, and even the majority of the “Council of 12” – unknown to the most of its membership – are actually controlled by the Scottish Rite “Council of 50” behind the scenes. These “Insiders” allow only the oldest members of the outer “Council of 12” to become President of the Church. Apparently the older these council members are the less likely they will be to discern what is going on behind the scenes, to make waves or make changes, or challenge the hidden Scottish Rite infiltrators and controllers.

Hey! The Council of 50! I was wondering when we’d bring that back.

But wait — it gets better. Here are the breathless secrets divulged by a genuine “Utah researcher”:

“You most likely have heard of the Mormon Church, LDS, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, here in Utah, of which they control the total state in all fields and phases of human endeavors. They have built temples in 100 countries. The missionaries in all these countries, including the USA, work with the CIA.

“As the missionaries can get into countries where the CIA cannot, they collect information on the people and everything of any and all nature, the countries’ government and all their activities. All this world-wide information is shared with the CIA and it is fed into three of the largest computers in the world, church-owned, here in Salt Lake City (these reportedly fill the entire top 2 or 3 floor-levels of the “Church Office Building” in Salt Lake City – Branton). This church is one of the most powerful and rich organizations in the world today. It has one of the largest and secret police force[s] in the world. I have collected this kind of information for 45 years.

“The above is not all they are into. A high official of this church was recently kicked out of the church as he got too snoopy and asked too many questions. He came to me a few months ago and told me what happened. He said that HIS LIFE HAD BEEN THREATENED if he told anyone of what he had found out. So he told me that if anything happened to him, to release the information he gave me. THIS INFORMATION CONCERNS A GIANT CAVERN BENEATH SALT LAKE CITY AND THE WASATCH MOUNTAIN RANGE. IT GOES NORTH TO IDAHO AND SOUTH CLEAR DOWN PAST THE ARIZONA LINE, WITH OFFSHOOTS WEST INTO NEVADA AND EAST INTO COLORADO.

“This cavern has been common knowledge for over 120 years. Many cases over the years [have] appeared in the newspapers of people and groups of people going into the cavern, but never coming out. Several [who] did find their way out, were hopelessly insane. At least that’s what the newspaper said about them.

“At present the Archaeological Dept. of Utah are down in southeastern Utah looking for a certain entrance into this cavern, that [a] fellow by the name of John Brewer of Manti, Utah, discovered around 30 years ago (around 1960 – Branton). He brought out of the cavern quite a few ancient plates of an unknown language. Some of the plates were gold, some silver, brass, copper and clay. He also saw many strange things he won’t talk about, such as what he thought were weapons of crystal.

“His son was TORTURED AND KILLED by some unknown person or persons trying to force the secrets out of him. The church wanted the plates in the worst way – they still do.

“The information I was given by this former member of the Church IS VERY CLOSE TO BEING THE SAME AS [the information that has surfaced concerning] DULCE, NEW MEXICO. Like he told me, “After all, where on earth would be a better contact point for aliens than Utah, with thousands of miles of deserts and places not even on the present day maps. Plus a large and powerful organization with hospitals, schools and universities where aliens could undergo physical changes, educated in our languages and customs, using research labs, some of the best in the United States. A lot of GENETIC EXPERIMENTS AND RESEARCH is also going on here in different laboratories.”

And, yes, there’s more, but I’ll only quote one more paragraph:

In this case the statement that this activity – taking place within the massive cavern-systems below the Wasatch Front of the Western Rockies – is a “U.S. Government Operation” would only be a half-truth. It should also be recognized that there is a “Melchizedek” order which is active within the Mormon Church, the Masonic Lodge and the Mt. Shasta Community, all three of which apparently have some connection with the Utah underground. This does not mean that all “Melchizedeks” are presently collaborating with the Reptilian Grays – Branton).

You’ll have to go read the rest for yourself. And watch out for the Danites!  ..bruce..

New light on Book of Mormon origins!

Book of Mormon, Humor, Main

[UPDATED 06/10/08: I fear that a lot of people coming in here are missing the point that, while all the parallels below are quite real, the post itself is satirical; I do not really believe that Joseph Smith relied upon Arrian’s work in bringing forth the Book of Mormon. See the ‘Humor’ tag? Sigh.]

After careful study and research, I have determined the actual source literature that Joseph Smith drew upon in fabricating the Book of Mormon: Anabasis Alexandri (“The Campaigns of Alexander”) by Arrian, written in Greek in the early 2nd century AD. The parallels are uncanny and abound on virtually every page. And since there was an English translation (by J. Rooke) published in England in either 1812 or 1814, it’s clear that Smith would have had access to this document.1

Here are some of the striking similarities that I have found (and I reserve the right to keep adding to and editing this list):

Both volumes describe (inter alia) events in the Middle East and Asia centuries before Christ.

Both volumes focus heavily on a series of battles stretching out over years between two major civilizations that have long-standing conflicts with one another. These battles involve large armies, each under the direction of a major political/military leader. These armies directly clash with each other in a series of major battles; some of the battles take place at or across a major river.

Both volumes are written several hundred years after the campaigns in question and are based on contemporaneous or near-contemporaneous records of the campaigns themselves.

Both volumes describe an army led by a young, brilliant, brave military commander in his 20s who inspires his men, who wins virtually all of his battles, usually with much fewer losses than the other side, who is himself upon occasion wounded, and who dies at a relatively young age.

Both volumes are written by authors who have a very high opinion of said military commander.

Both volumes contain the complete text of letters exchanged between two major military/political leaders currently at war with one another. These letters deal specifically with exchange of prisoners and with each side calling upon the other to come to terms.

Both volumes deal with a complex set of city-states with changing allegiances. The two major armies (or forces detached from them) also attack, lay siege to, and capture cities controlled or loyal to the other side.

Both volumes describe intricate army maneuvers, including forced marches, night marches, ambushes, dividing up of forces, attacks from multiple sides, brief and extended sieges, and so on.

Both volumes describe armies waiting for and receiving (or not receiving) supplies and reinforcements.

Both volumes describe battles with casualties numbering over 200,000.

Both volumes describe cities and camps that are defended by digging trenches, piling up earth, and setting up a palisade (breastwork).

Both volumes describe attacks upon bandit-like peoples in mountain fortifications.

Both volumes describe one ruler offering his daughter in marriage to the ruler of a hostile civilization.

Both volumes describe the murder of a civilization’s ruler by a usurper who assumes his kingship, as well as other plots to kill or overthrow a ruler.

Both volumes describe the act of proskynesis (stretching one’s self full length upon the ground before a superior being).

Both volumes deal with religious issues and themes, including signs (some of which are astronomical) and prophecies (some of which are fulfilled).

Both volumes describe the chief capital city discussed in the volume as being destroyed by fire.

Both volumes describe key religious ceremonies being performed near a body of water in a wilderness.

Both volumes describe incidents of troops getting drunk, with unfortunate results.

Both volumes describe one civilization adopting more and more trappings of the other civilization, not always to its benefit.

Both volumes describe new cities being founded, and often being named after the leader who founded them.

Both volumes describe a variety of temples and specific forms of worship at those temples. Both volumes also describe animal sacrifice as part of a religious ceremony.

Both volumes describe a variety of types of governments, including hereditary kingships, non-hereditary kingships, democracies (of a sort), and others.

Both volumes mention horses, elephants, swords, spears, bows, arrows, javelins, chariots, and armor.

Both volumes describe long-distance travel via ships, as well as long treks overland.

Both volumes describe events taking place in a variety of geographical settings, including oceans, coastlines, mountains, deserts, valleys, hills, rivers, lakes, and jungles.

Some identical proper names (people and places) occur in both volumes, such as “Ammon”, “Babylon”, and “Egypt”.

Clearly, this is too much to attribute to coincidence! In fact, I believe a careful comparison of Anabasis Alexandri and the Book of Mormon will reveal far more similarities, big and small, than can be found between the Book of Mormon and, say, View of the Hebrews or the Spaulding manuscript.

Likewise, I would posit that there are far more similarities, page after page, between Anabasis Alexandri and the Book of Mormon than between the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith’s own early 19th Century American milieu.

So, clearly, Smith must have drawn upon Anabasis Alexandri in creating the Book of Mormon, rather than the usual sources cited by those seeking a naturalistic explanation for the Book of Mormon. QED. ..bruce..

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[1] Griggs, C. Wilfred and Brown, S. Kent. “Joseph Smith in the British Museum: The Lost Years”, publication pending.

Life in the Foreign Service

Humor, Main, Personal

Kenny and Linsey are two of our closest and dearest friends. Sandra & I met them back in DC when they were still single and uninvolved with each other. We watched their courtship, heartily approved of their engagement, and traveled to Utah to be there for their wedding. They were regulars at our DC BBQs and — along with Matt & Cassidy (two more C&DFs) — would hang out to help clean up and talk with us afterwards.  Kenny and I ended up serving together in the bishopric as well.

Kenny passed the Foreign Service exam and went to work for the US State Department; not long after Sandra & I moved to Colorado, Kenny & Linsey headed down to Peru. Linsey has been writing a blog about their experiences, and her latest posting chronicles a week — over the Memorial Day weekend — during which Kenny was the US Embassy Duty Office. A brief extract from the post:

We are at dinner with 2 very tired and uncooperative children: Eliza calls from Spain to say that her ex-husband, who does not have custody of their 8 year old daughter, has been arrested while traveling in Peru with the daughter and now the child is somewhere in Peru in custody of the authorities. This turns out to be the tip of the iceberg of a very complicated story, some of which was true, much of which was sketchy and patently untrue. It took most of the weekend to unravel.

Heh. Read the whole thing.  ..bruce..

An LDS comic strip worth reading

Humor, LDS Society, Main

Over at Mormon Matters, I ran across a post by Jamie Trwth with a link to his comic strip “Latte Day Saints“. Here’s one of my favorites so far:

Heh. I’ve said for years that anyone who thinks that Mormons are mindless sheep has clearly never served in an LDS leadership position.

Jamie’s post at Mormon Matters is also worth reading, when he — as a black Latter-day Saints — describes the anti-LDS discrimination he’s encountered in Alaska when trying to register his child in private Christian schools. ..bruce..

Some campaign advice for Mitt Romney

Current events, Humor, Main, Politics

No, not from me. From Frank J, blogger extraordinaire and author of one of the funniest and most politically incorrect books I’ve ever read:

What Romney needs is an image change. First thing: Grow a goatee and shave your head. That will make you stand out from the paint by numbers presidential candidates. Next, lose the suit and wear something more appropriate for a member of Hell’s Angels. Thirdly, tame a timber wolf and have it follow you around on the campaign trail. Finally, lose the long winded speeches. Instead, just shout to assembled crowds words like “CRUSH!” and “DESTROY!” (those really are great applause lines). If you feel you must say something more, say, “I am Death! My coming cannot be stopped!”

If Romney can pull that off, I’ll not only vote for him, I’ll donate to his campaign.

UPDATED 01/30/08: Frank J. has more information about the ‘real’ Mitt Romney, as well as a photo of Mitt and his wolf Krull.  Heh.  ..bruce..

Mitt Romney’s new ward? [UPDATED]

Humor, LDS Society, Main, Politics

[UPDATE 01/14/07] A reader kindly pointed out to me that if you go to the “Worship With Us” section on Mormon.org and type in the White House address, it shows that Romney would attend DC 3rd Ward (there have obviously been some changes since I left DC back in 2005). I’ve updated some of my comments below appropriately.

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I belong to an “LDS/National Security” e-mail list (and the fact that such a listserv exits should give this author some pause for thought). Most discussions are serious, but some occasional humorous bits come through. I found this one particularly funny since I lived for six years in the ward (Chevy Chase Ward, Washington DC Stake) that Mitt Romney and his family might well attend were he elected, including a few years in the bishopric (congregational leadeship) of that ward. I’ve stuck in a few notes based on my experience there. ..bruce..
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Mitt Romney’s new ward?

So….if Mitt Romney became President of the US (from this point forward referred to as POTUS), won’t we have something we’ve never had before – a president who goes to a specific church? All other presidents belonged to religions that didn’t have tight congregational boundaries. Now, think about that: What Ward would POTUS be in? [See above.] If you are his new Bishop, here are your top 10 questions:

1. Will you allow an inaugural ball to be held in the cultural hall? Do you mount security cameras on top of each basketball rim and have a secret service detail stationed on the stage?

2. Can you call Mitt and Ann as the Nursery leaders… even if you really feel inspired?

3. Who is going to home teach them? Will you call someone who needs activation but may not pass the vetting and national security screening?

4. If Harry Reid [who is in the Chevy Chase Ward] and Mitt Romney are in the same High Priest group, will you need to be there to keep order?

5. Exactly how will tithing settlement work? Will the Secretary of the Treasury come, too?

6. Will you be inviting the new Romney family to speak in Sacrament Meeting… and if they go a little over, at what point do you ask them to sit down?

7. Will the Secret Service do a sweep of the building before each meeting? And if the Romney’s always leave before Sunday School, will the Sunday School president need to interview them? If they stay, where will you hold the class?

8. Can you call the Secret Service agents to help out in Primary?

9. If you give Mitt a calling and the two Democrats in the Ward [NOTE: there’s a lot more than just two Democrats in any of the DC wards and branches] raise their hand AGAINST sustaining him – partly out of habit – does the Supreme Court need to be involved?

10. If you can’t give them a calling (job), and they don’t attend very often (for presidential stuff), will that mean they’re ‘inactive?’ If they’re not active, can you give them a Temple Recommend? And if you do, can they go? Will the Secret Service have to screen the temple too?

11. If the President wants to hold Sacrament Meeting at Camp David or the White House for security reasons, is that a conflict of Church and State?

If you’re assigned to be the Romney’s home teacher:

1. Can you just drop by, no appointment?

2. Can you even call them for an appointment, or do you have to go through the Chief of Staff?

3. Can you bring by Christmas sweets and cookies? Will they be analyzed? And for how many people – family, secret service details?

4. If you don’t come, can the IRS do an audit on you?

5. Will they want to do a national security background check?

6. Do you have to have a permanent companion who has been vetted? Can you just grab any teacher or priest to come with you? And what if that priest has been a little wayward? Do you need to search him first?

7. Do you have to help him move in and out of the White House?

8. If Ann Romney gets sick, are you allowed to bring in meals or at least tell the Relief Society about it?

9. What can you share with the Bishop about the Romneys?

10. Do you have to ask them about their year’s supply?

11. If you get a late night call for a blessing, will reporters follow you around wanting to know what was wrong and what you said?

If Mitt Romney is assigned to be YOUR home teacher,

1. Is telling the group leader you haven’t been home taught a national security breech?

2. If he wants to come at the end of the month, do you accept his reason, ‘I’ve been out of town’?

3. Will he drop by unannounced, or will the media crews give him away?

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Heh. The good news is that if Romney were to attend the Chevy Chase Ward, the Washington DC Stake would probably finally buy the property next door to the Chevy Chase Ward building and put in some decent parking — which the Chevy Chase residents in that neighborhood would probably be very grateful for, given all the street parking that gets taken up every Sunday. ..bruce..

Ouch, indeed

Current events, Humor, Main, Politics

Here’s a child after my own heart:

“Who is your favorite author?” Aleya Deatsch, 7, of West Des Moines asked Mr. Huckabee in one of those posing-like-a-shopping-mall-Santa moments.

Mr. Huckabee paused, then said his favorite author was Dr. Seuss.

In an interview afterward with the news media, Aleya said she was somewhat surprised. She thought the candidate would be reading at a higher level.

“My favorite author is C. S. Lewis,” she said.

Boy, that’s gotta sting (this is in the New York Times). Hat tip to the omnipresent Glenn Reynolds and a chain of links from there.  ..bruce..