Adventures in Mormonism

I have posted my review of David Zucker’s new film, “An American Carol” over at one of my other blogs. Here’s a brief excerpt:

David Zucker is brave. Not just because he gleefully mocks the Left (including Hollywood), but because he gleefully mocks radical Islamic terrorists as well. And he is very politically incorrect in how both the Left and radical Islamists are portrayed. When in the first few minutes of the movie you have suicide bomber jokes — not wry or ironic asides, but Airplane!-style, pushing-the-boundaries-of-taste jokes and pratfalls — you know you’re not in West LA anymore.

YMMV.  ..bruce..

Heather O. over at Mommy Mormon Wars has a posting about “Another Mother of the Year moment” (which involves her toddler daughter stuffing her mouth with holly berries). The comments (be sure to read them all) have similar “I can’t believe I did that” parental moments.

In fairness to Heather O. and the rest, however, many of these moments are less the parents’ fault than simply the consequences of having children. I think that many of my mom’s gray hairs come from my own actions — and I started young. Here are some examples:

1958 (age 5, living in Imperial Beach, California):

– The street we live on has (as I recall) no sidewalks — just yards that go right up to the street. After a heavy rain, there are wonderful large puddles in the worn depressions along the shoulder of the road. As I go out to play, my mom tells me, “Don’t play in those mud puddles with your clothes on.” A while later, she gets a call from a neighbor who says that I’m playing stark naked in one of the large puddles — with my clothes carefully laid out on the neighbor’s lawn.

– There was an abandoned workshop or garage across the street; I thought of it as a “barn”, but it was far too low for that. I used to climb up to the roof and jump off. In fact, I very much loved jumping off of high places until I was about 9 or 10. Then I suddenly developed a fear of heights. I don’t know if that was just a realization of what I was doing, or the result of an unpleasant jump whose details I’ve blotted out completely.

1958-1960 (ages 5-7, living in Naval housing outside of Subic Bay, Philippine Islands):

– I used to leave the Naval housing area (West Kalayaan) and wander in the surrounding jungle. On at least one occasion, I took the first aid kit from my house, and a friend (same age) and I wandered into the jungle, found a nearby Negrito village, and tried to ask them if they had any cuts that needed band-aids. (They spoke no English.) It’s been nearly 50 years, but I remember the warm (and, in retrospect, probably amused) smile on the face of the native — an older man not dressed in much more than a loincloth — who tried to talk with us and who offered us coffee in a tin cup.

– I was crawling around an abandoned pillbox (probably Japanese) in the jungle and cut myself (on a rusty piece of rebar) on the inside of my thigh. Rather than tell my mom when I got home, I just put a large band-aid on it. Luckily, I was wearing shorts; she spotted the band-aid, asked me about it, took the band-aid off, and then transported me to the Naval hospital, where I got two stitches and a tetanus booster.

– On a regular basis, a truck pulling a trailer would wend its way through the Naval housing area. The trailer had a DDT sprayer that would emit dense clouds of wonderful-smelling DDT fog. We (the neighborhood kids) would play tag in the DDT fog.

– My older brother Chip and I would go down to a construction area on the outskirts of the housing area near sundown to throw dirt clods at the fruit bats.  Chip and I also used to capture large beetles and make them fight each other.

– I remember on a few occasions walking from the Subic Bay base itself to the naval housing area and noting with keen interest the signs along the side of the road saying, “Danger! Quicksand!”

1960-61 (ages 7-8, Astoria, OR):

– We lived in Naval housing again, with the (moderate) rain forests starting at our back yard. I used to wander through these woods at will — alone or with a friend — and capture snakes. My friend Paul and I once captured 26 snakes in one day. I kept large numbers of snakes in two unused trash cans behind our duplex. Somehow, in all this, I never once caught or encountered a poisonous snake.

And so on.  Your own stories?  If you need some different inspiration, here’s a post over at thisisby.us made two years ago in response to some school banning tag; the comment thread is still going.  ..bruce..

True story. I know. It happened to me.

In the fall of 1974, I had returned to BYU after spending two years in Central America on my mission. I quickly started dating someone whom I had dated in high school and during my freshman year at BYU as well. After several weeks, I proposed to her (which she accepted) — and then after a few weeks decide that I wasn’t ready to be engaged. She and I had been talking about marriage since high school, but I wanted to be sure I was marrying her because I was ready and willing to be married. I wanted to date around to be sure that she was my choice for marriage, not just a habit.  So I ended the engagement, though I was sure we would ended up getting married (which we did, about a year later).

Anyway, this was still in the fall of 1974. A day or two after the breakup, I get a phone call from another girl — Chris — whom I had also dated my freshman year at BYU, and who had written me from time to time when I was on my mission. (I was very careful not to leave a “waiting” girlfriend behind when I left on my mission, which had the unforeseen — but welcome — effect of having about five different girls write me.) Anyway, Chris has two tickets for that Saturday’s game, which I believe was against Arizona State and which was being telecast regionally (including in Provo). I’m not sure Chris knew about my engagement or its abrupt end (though knowing Chris, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did); as far as I knew, she was just asking me out to the game, and since the whole reason I had ended the engagement was to ‘date around’, I accept.

OK, so we get together and head to the stadium. Chris is giving off the “It’s sure great to see you after two years!” vibes, linking her arm through mine. We get to the game, it starts, and the other team (ASU) takes the lead and holds it for some time. Then BYU starts getting some points. Each time BYU scores, we jump up and yell, and Chris turns to me with that “Let’s hug each other!” vibe (ok, boys and girls, you know what I mean). I ignore it after the first BYU touchdown — hey, I was just engaged a few days earlier — and even after the second BYU touchdown. But on the third BYU touchdown — when BYU takes the lead in the ballgame, and the whole stadium goes crazy — I figure, “Hey, why not?” And so I turn and give Chris a big bear hug, which she enthusiastically returns.

Unbeknownst to me, the network TV camera is at that very moment panning across the screaming BYU fans. It then stops and zooms in on — Chris and me enthusiastically hugging each other. It apparently holds there long enough, and zoomed in enough, so that everyone at BYU who knows me and who is watching the game on TV clearly recognizes (a) that it’s me, (b) that the girl I’m hugging is not my fiancee (or ex-fiancee, but nobody knows that yet, or almost nobody.), and (c) we appear to be enjoying the hugging (which, frankly, we were).

I remain clueless about this televised exposure until I get a call from someone that evening after the game (I honestly don’t remember who), telling me that my ex-fiancee was watching the game with several friends and was, well, we shall say, not amused. My first thought is: “Uh-oh.” (Actually, my first thought may have been a bit more profane than that, though probably not out loud.)

Yep, the next morning, at my BYU ward, before meetings even start, a girl I know comes up to me and says, “Bruce, it’s funny — I was watching the BYU game on TV yesterday, and at one point they zoomed in the crowd, and I saw someone who looked just like you — but the girl he was hugging didn’t look like your fiancee.” I smiled (sort of) and said, “Yes, well, that was me, and no, that wasn’t my fiancee, but we actually broke off our engagement earlier this week.” She said, “Oh!” and smiled at me in a way that clearly said, “You pathetic scum — you broke off your engagement a few days ago and you’re already hugging other girls?” and then walked off.

This scene was repeated quite a few times that day and in the next several days that followed.

The real irony is that I’m pretty sure that Chris and I didn’t go out a second time.

I’m sure there’s some great lesson in here somewhere, but I think it boils down to, if you’re breaking off an engagement, let everyone know and wait for at least a few weeks before going out with anyone else. Not a great life’s lesson, except possibly for me (since I have been engaged roughly five times in my entire life). But there you have it.  ..bruce..

Wondermark, a web comic done entirely with Victorian-era clip art, has the following gem in its archives:

Heh.  ..bruce..

No, this is not the next posting on LDS exobiology. Through my usual morning blog-browsing, I ran across this site that characterizes the three major groups of aliens that have contact with Earth, then goes on to note that the Mormons are in cahoots with the aliens!  A sample:

Now, before relating the following account, let me say something about the Mormon Church system, within which this writer was raised… This church was created by a man named Joseph Smith, however the REAL power behind its growth was John C. Bennett, who was apparently one of many Scottish Rite agents assigned to infiltrate the various religious movements of the world. If one does a thorough study of the Masonic connections to major denominations they may discover some surprises (for instance Norman Vincent Peale was a 33rd degree mason, as were the founders of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, Theosophy, Scientology, Unitarianism, and so on).

The Scottish Rite, incidentally, was created by Jesuits and Masons at the Parisian college of Clermont. Dr. John Coleman states that 13 Maltese Jesuits, 13 Wicca Masons and 13 Black Nobility members make up the 39 members of the Bildeberger group, ultimately controlled by the BAVARIAN Illuminati through the Scottish Rite.

The Master Mason John C. Bennett convinced Smith to sell out to the Masonic lodge (Scottish Rite) and Bennett worked to establish an “Order of the Illuminati” within Mormonism, according to Klaus Hansen’s book “QUEST FOR EMPIRE”. Mormonism became a hybrid religion between Christianity (worship of the “Lamb”) and gnostic Scottish Rite Masonry (worship of the “Serpent”).

Even today the Mormon masses in Utah believe that they are “Christians”, and even the majority of the “Council of 12″ - unknown to the most of its membership - are actually controlled by the Scottish Rite “Council of 50″ behind the scenes. These “Insiders” allow only the oldest members of the outer “Council of 12″ to become President of the Church. Apparently the older these council members are the less likely they will be to discern what is going on behind the scenes, to make waves or make changes, or challenge the hidden Scottish Rite infiltrators and controllers.

Hey! The Council of 50! I was wondering when we’d bring that back.

But wait — it gets better. Here are the breathless secrets divulged by a genuine “Utah researcher”:

“You most likely have heard of the Mormon Church, LDS, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, here in Utah, of which they control the total state in all fields and phases of human endeavors. They have built temples in 100 countries. The missionaries in all these countries, including the USA, work with the CIA.

“As the missionaries can get into countries where the CIA cannot, they collect information on the people and everything of any and all nature, the countries’ government and all their activities. All this world-wide information is shared with the CIA and it is fed into three of the largest computers in the world, church-owned, here in Salt Lake City (these reportedly fill the entire top 2 or 3 floor-levels of the “Church Office Building” in Salt Lake City - Branton). This church is one of the most powerful and rich organizations in the world today. It has one of the largest and secret police force[s] in the world. I have collected this kind of information for 45 years.

“The above is not all they are into. A high official of this church was recently kicked out of the church as he got too snoopy and asked too many questions. He came to me a few months ago and told me what happened. He said that HIS LIFE HAD BEEN THREATENED if he told anyone of what he had found out. So he told me that if anything happened to him, to release the information he gave me. THIS INFORMATION CONCERNS A GIANT CAVERN BENEATH SALT LAKE CITY AND THE WASATCH MOUNTAIN RANGE. IT GOES NORTH TO IDAHO AND SOUTH CLEAR DOWN PAST THE ARIZONA LINE, WITH OFFSHOOTS WEST INTO NEVADA AND EAST INTO COLORADO.

“This cavern has been common knowledge for over 120 years. Many cases over the years [have] appeared in the newspapers of people and groups of people going into the cavern, but never coming out. Several [who] did find their way out, were hopelessly insane. At least that’s what the newspaper said about them.

“At present the Archaeological Dept. of Utah are down in southeastern Utah looking for a certain entrance into this cavern, that [a] fellow by the name of John Brewer of Manti, Utah, discovered around 30 years ago (around 1960 - Branton). He brought out of the cavern quite a few ancient plates of an unknown language. Some of the plates were gold, some silver, brass, copper and clay. He also saw many strange things he won’t talk about, such as what he thought were weapons of crystal.

“His son was TORTURED AND KILLED by some unknown person or persons trying to force the secrets out of him. The church wanted the plates in the worst way - they still do.

“The information I was given by this former member of the Church IS VERY CLOSE TO BEING THE SAME AS [the information that has surfaced concerning] DULCE, NEW MEXICO. Like he told me, “After all, where on earth would be a better contact point for aliens than Utah, with thousands of miles of deserts and places not even on the present day maps. Plus a large and powerful organization with hospitals, schools and universities where aliens could undergo physical changes, educated in our languages and customs, using research labs, some of the best in the United States. A lot of GENETIC EXPERIMENTS AND RESEARCH is also going on here in different laboratories.”

And, yes, there’s more, but I’ll only quote one more paragraph:

In this case the statement that this activity - taking place within the massive cavern-systems below the Wasatch Front of the Western Rockies - is a “U.S. Government Operation” would only be a half-truth. It should also be recognized that there is a “Melchizedek” order which is active within the Mormon Church, the Masonic Lodge and the Mt. Shasta Community, all three of which apparently have some connection with the Utah underground. This does not mean that all “Melchizedeks” are presently collaborating with the Reptilian Grays - Branton).

You’ll have to go read the rest for yourself. And watch out for the Danites!  ..bruce..